Virgo horoscope alludes to death; girl plans own funeral

Picture courtesy of Google Images

Horoscopes have been around for over 20 centuries, but with millennials straying away from Christianity and other forms of organized Religion, zodiac signs have reemerged as a form of science, and people everywhere are searching for life's answers in the stars.

Jenna Naeve, 23, said that the first thing she does every morning when she wakes up is log on to accuratehoroscopes.com and reads about what the universe has in store for her that day. She then plans her day accordingly.

“I want to know if I’m going to have a bad day ahead of time, so I can be prepared, you know,” Naeve said. “I’m a Virgo, we’re very anal-retentive.”

Most days, Naeve’s horoscope just tells her to preoccupy her time with business affairs, and she will attract the right guy for her, but today, Naeve’s horoscope says to be weary of death, and therefore, she has taken initiative and has begun to plan her own funeral.

“As a Virgo, I need to follow a set schedule. I didn’t have ‘death’ written into my calendar, so I’m very behind on organizing this life-altering event. I still have to choose a cremation urn on Amazon,” Naeve said.

Naeve said that lucky for her, Amazon is having a lightning deal on urns, discounting them for half price if bought within the next thirty minutes.

“I guess they’re anticipating the death of millions of people today,” she said. "I hate that it's a lightening deal though, as I need more time to choose the urn that's best suited for me. Like what if I choose one that doesn't scream 'Jenna,' but instead, screams something ridiculous like 'Jenny?'"

Naeve’s funeral will be held at The Immaculate Heart of Jesus Christ and Mary and Joseph and the Angels in Heaven promptly at 4:00 p.m. Everyone is welcomed to attend, and there will be semi-alcoholic refreshments following the church service.

“Please don’t be late,” Naeve said. “If all goes according to plan, I will be dead by 3:30 p.m. today, and would like my ceremony to start shortly after.”

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